Let’s all get special

Monday, 7. October 2013

You need to be special. I need to be special. We need to be special. They need to be special. People who are only moderately successful in life need to feel special. Awful people need to feel special. Ordinary people need to be special. Internet trolls need to feel special. Old ladies need to feel special. Your dentist needs to feel special. Even the homeless guy who won’t sully his purity by talking to anyone, even he needs to feel special. And he’s willing to pay a lot higher price than we are to get there. In fact the less special you are the harder you’ll be working inside yourself to try to feel very special, which burns a lot of energy and probably prevents you making your mark in life by achieving something that actually matters to the world. Hence everyone works mostly on perfecting how they feel, which cannot be achieved by working on how they feel… and meanwhile the world narrowly avoids collapse and catastrophe most of the time as good things only happen by accident on someone’s quest to feel special by being a great inventor, very rich, a magnificent leader, an immortal creator, a veritable saint or the mother of two nicely brought up children who don’t really have a problem with dyslexia.

Special is a charmed place that exists outside the normal rules of life, the normal rules being that everything that glistens will quickly tarnish and may even poison you or take revenge. Everyone will plot behind your back and all hopes will turn to bitterness. Then you’ll get sick, rot away, go mad and slowly die, leaving nothing much behind. Special is the opposite of that, which is why we want it so badly. It’s a place of safety from the normal rules of life.

Special can be different for everyone, of course it can; it wouldn’t be as really really special, as specially special as you are, if it couldn’t be unique. I’m not saying you’re boring or predictable but your special may well include some of the following: it will be safe, plus warm (usually), comforting, reliable, enduring, never invaded by storms or monsters, killers, plagues or people who are even more special than you are (rich, talented, loud, bullies, men, men with bigger dicks, celebs and others who may put you in your place or the truly, historically famous who are bound to make your feel some limitations). In your special place you will be number one and everything will adore you. Your word will be law and lore as well. As you have matured in life people close to you have been touched by your specialness and it is quite possible that the people in your family, your clan, your group, your team, your race, your religion and your opinion-forming clique will have to be rather special, too. Certainly the people you created, your posssible dyslexics who are too gifted for their teachers to understand, they are definitely bound to be very special. Until the divorce, when they’ll become a drag and you can concentrate on new ways of being special.

To be continued…

Stuff you haven’t realised about sex

Sunday, 18. November 2012

Stuff you haven’t realised about sex

No arena of human behaviour is as wilfully understood as the arena of “relationships”. In animals this is known as mating and all higher animals have two sexes that mate, some bonding for years and some barely knowing each other. That sorry excuse for all our mistakes and connivances, “love”, is a human invention of recent pedigree and the ideal of romantic love within one committed pair derives mainly from the era and influence of the Christian religion, which attempts at all turns to usurp the concept and make it sexless. Sex is the supposedly neutral word devised and cunningly employed by those seeking to escape such shackles, some of whom have relatively benign motives, some of whom are exploiters who have whipped up the physical passions of others in order to profit mightily.

There, you see: not one fixed or pristine item on the entire menu! There are excellent reasons for this, briefly:

1)     Mating is a biological urge that in species resembling humans in any way is inexorably linked to tribal living and hierarchical dominance within a finite group. The Alpha Male mates with the most desirable female who becomes the Alpha Female in her own right. Lesser males, in the case of ape species genetically closest to us, never give up jostling for power and the right of access to females perceived as desirable. Sex, therefore, is territorial and about ownership of rights over others, at least at the biological level.

2)     In an animal that can think, reason, dream and imagine the striving for dominance is bound to become something of an obsession. The lesser male members of the hierarchy are condemned to plan and fantasise about raising their standing and increasing their own rights, including the right to the more attractive females. The females are condemned to vie with each other for mating rights with the strongest and most desirable males.

3)     As such a creature evolves and develops language, vastly increasing its conceptual range, as leisure becomes more available because life ceases to be a brutal struggle for survival, then the power of storytelling, daydreaming, imagining and fantasising grows in a spectacular way, embracing also erotic desires and even twisted images of an erotic nature, driven by sexual status. Simple power for the wolf pack becomes in human hands domination and submission fantasies ranging from the relatively harmless to the hideously cruel.

4)     Human children have unbounded capacity for imaginative play. It is foolish to suppose that this is entirely lost as they “mature” and we only have to look at the sexual play of adults to see that it does not. Once more, this play may be benign, as in something like tantric sex, or may begin to cross borderlines into cruel power games of control and helplessness and, where the participants are not especially self-aware, it will be laden with primitive urges related to control, dominance and the freedom that comes from the basically female posture of complete submission to a greater, protective, power who is a someone in in the hierarchy.

Men and women alike do all of these things in a bewildering array of different “character arcs”, as do gay people. The variety of possible fetishes is as infinite as it is not significant because they all follow these simple rules, listed above. Generally speaking, since sex-specific hormones are also mind-altering drugs, male creatures are inclined to have a greater quantity of the drives created by the most brutal of these drivers, testosterone. Whether the feminists like it or not this is true and it means that there is no precise equality of desire or the style of driven-ness in imagination. Young men, those with most testosterone, are absolutely driven in an almost pure way at first. Women are not aware of the urgency that men feel in this regard, so tremendous that it will occur during sleep if not satisfied while awake. As men age, their physical “powers” wane and the fantasy element increases. Even young women come a long way behind young men in the urgency of their desires and it is a rare female that ever catches up with even older men. At a certain age most women pour their interest and affections into non-erotic relationships with their children or into proving that they compete with men in the world at large, or both, or the one that does not make them contented…

There is barely any pornography for female consumption, whereas pornography consumed by all men at all times ranges from hideous to harmless displays of young female beauty such as they have always longed to possess (have rights of access to) and rarely been so lucky. Viewing women while masturbating and dreaming about congress with them is about permission to know such women, nothing more. It does not mean a slippery slope to torture and murder. It can never be prevented. Those who advocate an end to prostitution and exploitative sex/pornography need to start by understanding this simple distinction, but they never do, alas.

There are two basic scenarios that cause real and absolutely tragedy over the long term. They both derive from being unconscious of the facts in this essay and in particular the way that primitive hierarchical urges can insinuate their way into our modern so-called relationships, the vile negotiations we endure in place of joy and mutual celebration, the disastrous personal narratives that scar our lives and those of our children and all of the betrayed…

The female version runs roughly thus: contrive to be completely unaware of the suffering of innocent young men who desperately need to learn about and touch you but instead fall helplessly in love with the leader of the pack, an exploitative bastard who barely cares for you and will humiliate you at every turn. Suck his cock frequently in the hope of landing a winner, even better if he is handsome, wealthy, powerful, charismatic or slightly wise. Trust and set up home with whichever desirable male pushes the right buttons at the right time, relying on your “love” to carry you through the rest of life.

As sexual allure fades and work and parenthood, perhaps poverty and disappointment, perhaps success and disillusionment, and pressures of time… as these things inevitably destroy the joyous, simple sex you could have had, then either you give up sex, become unwilling, resigned, exhausted, resentful and anorgasmic, or begin with the fluffy handcuffs and escalate through the book of domination-submission fantasies, move openly or covertly towards “open” relationships, affairs and stuff that destroys not just love, desire, trust and decency but is about to dreadfully impact the children and the partner who is abandoned. At this point one sanctimoniously talks about people needing to “first love themselves” and “take responsibility for their own lives”, meaning you wash your hands of them and all your former promises.

Often, usually, it is the middle-aged woman who now suffers the most, though sometimes she will be relieved to be rid of the tyrant who has been bullying her, patronising her, possibly terrifying her. Actually she married the wrong guy to begin with. And she ignored the good guy because he wasn’t glaringly attractive/socially desirable/wealthy enough.

The male tragedy runs like this: lose out completely in the teenage struggle for popularity, respect, power, sportiness, charisma, attractiveness and conquest of females. A vast number of pleasant men who would be so grateful for a relationship that they wouldn’t know how to stamp on the women’s feelings simply cannot succeed in achieving life’s most basic and primitive urge. Either they get the least attractive women, way down the hierarchy, or they settle for women who desire to dominate more than anything else (a surprisingly large group of verbal and emotional bullies), or they decide they are gay after all, or they end up mostly alone, masturbating. End of story, really. In middle age they may be lucky enough to get the cast- off beauties past their prime and look after another man’s children while having his dick in their face every time he comes to visit. In any case they will not know the incredible, passionate, primeval joy of being leader of the pack. Anything they achieve will be resentful and not really appreciated.

Such is life: no way out except with bitterness, unless… Unless you know all of these things, can find them in yourself, can live with those discoveries, can chose to hold at bay the most destructive urges and promote the greatest good, and then keep your fucking agreements…

The alternative,turning your sad life into psychodrama, is a huge mistake. The tragedy you have suffered is mostly there as a result of ignorance, which we all share. There is no blame and there is no “healing”. You didn’t do it to yourself and he didn’t do it to you. The personalities involved are a fiction.
If you could make your children aware of these greater truths you could save them buckets of heartbreak because as sure as eggs is eggs they will fall into the same egocentric errors that we all do, insisting that people have been bad to us and that our personalities were somehow damaged.
Actually, we were just ignorant, stupid, egotistical and incautious.

Is is bullsh*t to speak of loving yourself?

Friday, 13. April 2012

It becomes habitual, does it not? You expect everything to fall short of marvellous and no matter that you gibber about it, you hope and scheme and get NLP-ed up to “breaking through”…. you do still know, deep in your heart that something will turn sour and in the end you’ll be back in those same old feelings of resignation, unexpressed and even un-felt bitterness, that snigger of gallows humour and a few brave but unconvincing platitudes trotted out for your friends and contacts. No wonder you can never tell the truth, about anything, because the truth always looks like a nagging dream, somewhere well short of nirvana but not exciting enough to be an actual nightmare.

I know that the idiot who controls your mind for your ego is denying this as you read it but one day you’ll remember that paragraph above and admit that it is a precise description of the normal human condition, for virtually of all of us. No amount of vegan diets, telling jokes, social networking, image-building, meditating, giving up desire, visualisation, playing chess or Byron bloody Katy is gonna change us from zombies to fully alive.

But hey, once you admit all this there is something you can do to bring yourself a bit of balance, not eternal happiness, not “success”, not a cure from your habitual patterns of thought and feeling, but a bit of balance that feels quite good and may come back if you want it to…

Because for each and every person, beyond all the pretence, the bullshit, the sighing and hoping and putting on a face… for every person there is something genuinely marvellous in your life and about you. Call it your genius if you want to be grandiose but actually it serves you much better to see it as a normal feature of the heart and soul of who you are and what treasure you have managed not to lose.

When I wrote CVs for a living I had a vested interest in people believing in themselves because I gave the customers a money-back guarantee that they would get an interview. This means that I devoted some of my utterly brilliant insight into trawling past the garbage they usually put out, past the defeat in their voices, past the denial of despair and hope, past the remorseless grind of their lives – all the way through to the central issues, which is…

What is it about you that is a real gift to the world and yourself?

Once you touch that place you can begin to put your burden down from time to time, the burden of being a slave in a world of slaves, the burden of being a cog in a world of cogs, the burden of “working for the man” and never getting anywhere, the terrible burden of falling out of love with the ones you loved. These things are all connected. See the dark side and you will notice how strong the light is. Carry on pretending and you get shades of grey for ever.

Trust me, where I’ve been, at the doors of death several times, there is no other way. What descending into the underworld teaches you is that you need the company of angels to survive and in the company of angels you too can be angelic. This is a metaphor, by the way. not a new religion. Metaphor is far more true and expressive than referential and “logical” language, which is for small-minded people who are trapped in their boxes, their servitude to systems beyond their control that do not want you to know you are an angel and a free being who can love and be loved and rejoice in the gifts of life…

Say no to the grind; say hello to the wonder. Yes, but first you must tell the truth(see paragraph one above). There is no escape. You are not there yet. You are still acting out being mature. That doesn’t make you bad, but it keeps you in shackles dictated by repetition compulsions, competitive social values, bitterness, avarice and the pathetic increments of triumph that ego needs to feed on, like a vampire. It is your joy that it is feeding on, and the joy you could be having with others (instead of social grease and random, meaningless, let-you-down-when-things-get-tough, erm “connection” -which is sheer bullshit).

This is your life. Live it.

I hit Armageddon today…

Wednesday, 11. April 2012

After five years of incorrect diagnoses, wasted heart surgery and every test known to man I finally met with the Armageddon of truth today, delivered by a kindly Syrian doctor who didn’t get embarrassed when I broke down in tears and confessed that he was very worried about the danger facing his family back home. He pulled out all the stops for me and within 20minutes gave me the full written report as well as a verbal summary.

The news is not good. I will never walk properly again. We have long suspected that inoperable fibroid growths are slowly chocking my airways and now we know for sure that similar, minute and obviously inoperable growths are eating into the nerves of my legs, feet and hands. The only good news is that there is stuff I can take for the pain and the cramps and an anti epileptic drug to ease the twitches and another more sinister sounding concoction which may slow the inevitable spread of the growths. At least it isn’t another cancer!

The reason this is happening to me is that in 1967 when I should have been enjoying myself I was fighting for my life against a cancer that killed my elder brother and all five of my cousins. The cancer came back, in both lungs in 1971 and I became the first person on earth ever to survive five years of that particular combination of killer diseases, which in turn enabled me to survive long enough to mock  as*holes who believe in facile rubbish…

Alas, the treatment back then was massive doses of radiation, about 200 times today’s “safe” dose, and I had it twice. I am now just about the only 45 years survivor left alive and they have finally realised through the deaths of many others that side-effect wise, radiation is “randomly connected” to nasty fibroid tissue damage, which can begin as much as thirty years after the main event, a bit like asbestosis only less malignant, thank God.

So here I am at 63 in June. At 16 I didn’t get cancer because I ate the wrong diet or lived the wrong emotional life and neither did my brother who died aged 4, so that knocks your stupid ideas of cancer causation on the head. It was hereditary, in the genes, sheer bad luck, could happen to anyone, may yet happen to any of you…

I expect some twats will step forward to tell me that I’ll be fine if I laugh a lot, if I eat beetroot till I turn red, if I read Krishnamurti, if I follow “The Secret”, if I “visualise” feeling well, if I follow Byron Katie – or any one of the other idiotic, terrified, cold-hearted beliefs you all adopt to separate yourselves from cancer.

But actually I shan’t be doing all that. I shall be trying my best to live as long as I can with the least pain and the least burden on Cora. I shall scourge the as*holes I encounter online and I shall tend my garden, sit in the sun and be grateful that I had any life at all. I should have died at 16 but I fought back. I now know that this was a mistake because I have endured 45 years of terrible anguish, pain, deprivation, prejudice, bigotry, put-downs, isolation and ill health. If I’d known what the world was offering me I’d have said no thanks.

But it’s too late now. There are people and things that I love and people who love me. I have to carry on for the beauty.

The ocean of grief

Thursday, 29. March 2012

Mostly we associate crying with negativity. We want it to stop when we see others crying or when it happens to us. This is a mistake of monumental proportions. Whatever you repress, suppress, deny, defy or nullify will nevertheless be stored in memory, in your body tissues, as aversions and addictions, deep or shallowly unconscious, returning in dreams and if serious enough, causing bodily malfunction leading directly to killer diseases, mental and physical, when the midden of all that you have not allowed yourself to experience has festered to toxic levels. I cannot prove this, but you’d be a fool to bet against it. And I can prove that under the bluster and anger, everyone carries deeply stored grief for the shocks and losses that have been important in their lives since before they were even born.

Can’t cry? Don’t want to know? Rather be “optimistic”. Acting cheerful all the time? Being “on purpose” and focussed and unaware of the “bad” things going on in you….

You are mistaken to go that way. If you do feel the grief, if you do cry a lot, at first it seems infinite and overwhelming, but gradually it comes about that you wonder why you are crying. That is when the buried grief in your body tissue is releasing. There are no thoughts or images or protests or humiliations attached. It’s just pure grief. Everyone is holding it. Few ever clear it. To clear it you need courage and (probably) the support of a loving other who can be there simply to witness you.

Once you begin to clear it you will be simply astonished by how clearly life appears to you and how wonderful your joy can be, even in the tiniest moments. A lifetime may not be enough to empty the entire ocean of grief but in time you will become skilled at being with your own previously neglected and forbidden truth. And you will finally feel real, feel genuine, feel truly confident in your gifts… no need to pretend or bluff or connive your way through life ever again.

This is a lot better than learning some quick tips at an NLP course.

The rationale for being rebellious; why be awkward…

Wednesday, 28. March 2012

So many people find it impossible to understand the concept “you have already voted”, implying as it appears to that their miserable life with all its errors, has been their own choice and put there by their own intention. Actually it says nothing of the kind. It just says: “you have already voted”. It leaves open the question of whether your vote was free will or pre-pre-programmed, or a bit of both.

Either which way, though, everyone has already voted, already endorsed, already accepted, already cemented in place the reality they are currently living in. That is exactly why change is so challenging because they have already voted to wallow in meaningless optimism where they waste their lives planning the future, as opposed to making conscious choices to accept what is and then having the courage to risk seeking real alternatives, whatever the cost in disturbing their status quo.

For “they” read “we” for we read “I”. There are no exceptions. Every mind on earth is happy to take responsibility for the good things and full of projected blame for the “bad”. Good and bad, of course, are subjective value judgements, two sides of the same coin. The only point that comes out of this is that change demands total honesty which begins with the recognition that you have so already voted on everything that exists that you have integrated it into your own mind.

That is why being a rebel is not just fun; it is essential; it is life itself. To reclaim your reality, starting with your own mind. By admitting that you voted, even for everything you hate. Then you can vote for something else…

Coaching is an evil occupation…

Monday, 19. March 2012

I think coaches are vampires who get their teeth into victims and exploit them, feeding them hyperbole and egging them on to be “positive”. Nothing else. The correct way to sustain another human being’s spirit is to appreciate who they are, putting aside the chaos, failure and idiocy of their circumstances and behaviours. First step is to move out of denial and face the truth. Second step is to see how much you already have going for you and what talents you hide from yourself. Third step is to allow the unconscious to unscramble things. Goals are out. Planning is out. Objectives are out. NLP doublethink is most definitely out. The conscious mind is what made the person sick of life in the first place and it will never help them escape their malady.

When this happens something is kindled in the soul which might give them the torque to lift themselves up. Nothing else can work properly. What passes for coaching, advice, consultancy and therapy is merely vampirism that exploits the disenfranchised victim. The vampires who do this kind of work get a ghastly thrill out of being clever and feeling how well-adjusted they are compared with their victims, as doctors often do also.

You all need to flatten your egos to the point of equality with whoever you are with. They are not in trouble and you cannot “support” them. If you think you can then you are in big trouble. You are a) grandiose, b) stupid as hell.

I don’t care who agrees with this or who it offends. This is fact. We must not parasite on the backs of other people, especially in the hypocritical guise of helping them. And people who monopolise your time and ask you to hear their story, agree with it and devote your attention to them? Tell them to grow up and get lost.

Only they can help themselves. Only you can help you. All anyone needs is a couple of people who appreciate who they are. And such people are unlikely to be expecting payment.

We are drowning in lie, all of us, and it strangles the soul…

Tuesday, 28. February 2012

A fish cannot swim out of water. You cannot get out of the water that your soul is drowning in. I refer to a world composed entirely of lie. That is the world we live in.

The lie takes many forms: secrecy is lying; breaking your word is a form of lie; cheating and stealing and profiteering are all offences against truth. Keeping quiet when you know something is wrong is also in the spectrum of lie, so is claiming wisdom and knowledge that you do not in fact have. Saying anything for personal gain is to lie. White lies to “protect other people” and “avoid embarrassment” are nevertheless part of the fabric of lie in which we drown.

Gossip is a currency of lie and so, very often is the cruel humour of the Jonathan Ross generation who cannot say anything straight and sincere.

When you pretend you are lying. When you act. When you mislead. When you manipulate using NLP or otherwise. When you withhold vital information is also to lie. When you write that ridiculous puffed-up profile you are exaggerating, which is to lie, as all personal branding is, and all marketing come to that. Marketing conceals some information and promotes sly charm, leaving the consumer confused, deliberately. That’s a cardinal form of lying.

I don’t get me started on religion and political lies…

In a climate of lie such as this, which has always existed in some form in every human culture – in such a climate it is almost impossible to sustain sincerity, honesty and the hugely powerful skill of allowing the truth to flower in any situation.

We are hoist by our own petard, full of sound and fury that signifies nothing (that’s a quote or two for the non-educated, “creative writing” generation).

Once you perceive, admit, experience and begin to recognise the universality of lie all around you there comes the occasional chance to jump out of it for a bit of liberating truthfulness. It’s not going to survive for very long when nobody you are talking to gets it and everyone is so steeped in lie they cannot understand you, but you have to try, or go to your grave with your eyes never opened.

I believe things because it pleases me to do so

Friday, 24. February 2012

OK, here you are:

I believe things because it pleases me to do so. I don’t require for my belief to be anchored in verifiable truth, but it pleases me when I find an ally in my belief.

Already in two sentences I have placed “what pleases” me above the concept of Truth, seen as some unseen dictator criticizing my feeble failure to accord to its strictures.

When I stop believing my beliefs, shaken by some emotion, I feel disconsolate, drifting like a boat that has broken its moorings. Perhaps this is why my favourite beliefs are those which cannot easily be proved wrong. Those such as militant atheists, the BBC and the scientists and doctors it clasps to its bosom, who worship the “evidence-based”, rather miss the entire point of beliefs.

I ought to give some examples of the kinds of things I believe, or would like to believe—I’m not sure there’s a difference between the two. I believe that all creatures are intelligent; that evolution itself is intelligent, not blind and mechanical. I believe a giraffe’s neck is long because its ancestors desired to reach the high branches. I believe that the conscious mind, the I that is in the given moment dedicated to interaction in the world, is less important than commonly acknowledged. True self-awareness has its centre of gravity more in the unconscious, the autonomous processes of the body which keep us safe and strive to prevent us from continuing in self-destructive actions and attitudes; even if they have to make us ill in order to send us messages. I think poor Nietzsche believed that too, and he had more than his share of illness. Perhaps in him it was merely syphilis, which from a scientific point of view disproves the belief. But never mind. He said what he said, and it has value that cannot be refuted by medical science.

It is perfectly rational to do what pleases us. And our beliefs prop us up. We need that!

Everyone is smug and angry, including you…

Tuesday, 21. February 2012

Everyone oscillates on a spectrum from very smug to very angry, depending on their strengths and weaknesses. Most people try to manoeuvre only on the ground where they feel strong. So some angry people like to intimidate others and some smug people never stop gossiping and putting others down.

You can have mild smugs. My best friend is one. Or you can have gentle angries, like me. The variants are infinite. But nobody escapes.

Typically a person will have elements of both.  Me, for example: on the state of the world I am a powerful angry. On the hand of cards that life has dealt me I am almost tortured by grief daily, which is a helpless state between smug and angry. When it comes to the power of words, as you know, I am ineffably smug and superior.

Each of us has a profile in this range of vibrations but this is a totally new concept that will not be commonplace for another twenty years or so. It all depends on how sensitive you are to the manipulative charm of smugness or the unsettled power of anger. Speaking as someone who is more angry than smug I see it everywhere. I am so intensely sensitive to it that I suffer just reading people’s written words and I so love anger that I can tolerate almost total insanity such as Nietzsche without a qualm.

Most intelligent people are the other way round, because they have snatched more than their fair share of life.

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