Knock yourself out

Monday, 29. June 2009

My favourite is gnarly, which different dictionaries define differently to mean anything from horrible to loud to simply gnarled (like an old tree). Actually the meaning I find most inventive isThe OC type usage where it means ill tempered in a cool sort of way. The Americans are brilliant at inventing new expressions. Would you like to share any?

Knock yourself out.

Networking fever

Sunday, 28. June 2009

Ecademy posts from recent months:

“Networking fever” is now considered the number one form of emotional disease in the world, some Australian scientists have claimed. All over the planet people have started “networking” and withdrawn from real life, seeing their virtual addiction as a source of imaginary friends and even as a way to earn a living. Some truly pitiful souls show a religious zeal, even consider it a “healing” experience for their afflictions, both physical and emotional. But ahead of them lies the tragedy of “blogger burnout”, the downside of the fever, a tragic state in which the victim finally realises that no one is really connecting with them and no money has come from all the effort they put in.

The solution? Just say NO. Ration yourself. Life is still life, just like it used to be. Go out and meet some real people and do some real work. The world will still be much the same tomorrow. Twitter does not give you back your life.

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Anyone else got nothing really to say? I rang my friend Enthusiasm but she was Skyping with someone else and I couldn’t face ringing my friend Depression because she never stops talking. Then I figured that they probably had nothing new to say either, so I came on here for some entrepreneurial advice and what did I find…

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Just thought you’d like to see a video of some well-known networkers on their hols. Skip the tedious intro so you get to the tedious meat.

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Inspired as I have been by the increasing number of networking energineers (or should that be enterpernoirs? Ed.) who build their brand online with witty “jokes” and stories, I thought I’d have a crack at humour myself. Only trouble is, I’ve thought of the questions but but not the punchlines… Maybe those with a great deal of amusement wealth in their portfolio of expert skills and visions could help me just this once?

Q: Why did the butterfly flutter by?
A:

Q: Why did the global economy collapse?
A: ?????

Q: Why is “blogging” such a desperate activity that makes one cringe?
A: ?????

Q: Why is there just no point in anything anymore?
A: ?????

Have a go; you could win a token prize of a bouncing cheque signed by me personally.

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The sun was shining this morning so I thought I’d better diffuse some cheerful light to my fellow back-bedroom entrepreneurs. Questions will be taken at the end of the session.

I was filled with passion and the vision thing as a wave of emotional wealth swept over me just now and so I felt I just had to share the top tips we were given on my excellent 15 minute Master of Cheerfulness Marketing programme. So, top tips for not being happy, then; here goes:

1) discover your inner core in the next five minutes, spend a few weeks planning a new online strategy with yourself posing as an expert, fail to seduce any customers, blow a fortune on SEO and Adsense, go back to the day job in defeat

2) wind yourself up in an orgy of expert bombast where you live in a bubble from which you smile all the time and constantly output unwanted advice in a phony voice that drives people away

3) slowly build a huge network reputation for making trivial contacts and plagiarising already plagiarised articles which you post as your own and nobody reads in any case

4) devote all your days and evenings to twittering while you scratch your arms with shards of broken glass (do not try this at home)

5) find some lame jokes to tell so that you will be an embarrassing failure at popularity building

6) post slice of life “blogs” about your daily mishaps in a never-ending storm of exhibitionist self-promotion (men should think before trying this because their lives are not interesting)

7) go to the USA and expose yourself to any medium whatsoever for long enough that you become frantic, passionate, overbearing, mendacious, patronising, glib, ignorant and totally inappropriate; with this achieved return to sanity and distinguish yourself by writing thinly disguised (and of course patronising) blogvertorial about the latest MLM, affiliate marketing and cure for cancer scams

Have a lovely day and for goodness sakes BE HAPPY.

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Some popular networking personas:

Why are people moaning about the online conduct of other people when we all know it’s just a set of barely convincing and largely excruciating facades that give hardly any clue as to the real nature of the people you happen to think you don’t like very much. This is utterly silly if you stop to think but there are many people who seem to get some kind of charge out of condemning people they know nothing about. But then, as eny fule kno, self-righteousness is a delicious emotion.

My second category would be the mindless optimists who walk into this like online pub thingy every ten minutes and scream something very enthusiastic about being positive and making great connections. These people sometimes turn nasty the moment anyone demurs, however, revealing that their fluffy bunny persona is not quite so entrenched and enlightened as they might like you to believe. No, I do not want to join your “network”, thank you. It is merely an imaginary electronic list.

Category three, for me, would be those who cannot help but post every day about some new cure for cancer that happens to be available at some website they happen to be an affiliate of or which they can provide because they are distributors. I think that if you haven’t actually had cancer or lost a loved one to cancer it should be illegal for you to express an opinion about it, let alone think you understand it, let alone offer false hope for money, let alone add to the cruel lies that healthy people tell about sick people causing their own illness. It can and it may, so help you God, happen to you.

I’m sure there are many other useless categories available online and that you may be able to assist me in compiling a complete list. Thank you. I hope you found that polite enough. BRUTAL “blogs” will come at regular intervals from now so keep your eyes open for what to ignore if you are a really really nice fluffy person. I have as much right to my opinions and behaviours as you to yours and nothing has deterred me in the last six years online or the last 40 years off line.

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(You can see what moods I used to get in to when confronted with mindless “business networking” all day…)
Hi there, Networking Experts! I need your advice, and pronto….

Would it be good for developing my “personal brand” if I posted a few harmless little “blogs” asking people to get involved and answer questions. I mean: does that work?

I was thinking of asking something tame to begin with like: “Why do fools fall in love?” justified with a short splurge about obscure medical research in Australia connecting pheromones, obesity, Haikus and maybe astrology with something on YouTube thrown in….

Q1: What do YOU “think”?

Q2: what are your top ten tips for “networking”?

Q3: is it more effective in good English or should I self-righteously pretend to be slightly dyslexic to show that I’m a man of the people?

Thank you. Have a nice day.

When too many words will do – Roshambo rules (Chou Chin Chou) RPS

Wednesday, 17. June 2009

There’s no need to read all this boring junk except the last couple of paras and the point I might be making here is that nobody does read some of the long and tedious blogs we see every week. If it isn’t short it isn’t read and it probably isn’t even meaningful.

Just look at this rubbish…


The Set up
1.0 Prior to play commencing the players must agree upon what decision is to be made (and considered binding) as a result of the match. If nothing can be agreed upon and the players wish to continue play, the game automatically defaults to an
“honour” match.

1.1 Players must agree to the number of primes to be used prior to the approach. Two and three primes are most commonly used in most professional level play.

1.1.1 The decision-makers must stand opposite each other with one outstretched fist at waist height with a distance between their fists of no less than 1 cubit and no more than 2 cubits.

1.2 The players also must establish the number of rounds to be played before the match is concluded. If no agreement can be reached, the game defaults to a single round format.

Beginning Play – Pre-Prime Phase
2.0 A “call for prime” is issued by one player to his/her opponent in a RAT (recognizable audible tone).

2.1 A Recognizable Audible Tone, is defined as an utterance that can be heard by the challenging player. Using the word “ready” is considered good form.

2.1.1 In the case of match between or with hearing impared players or in situations where it is critical that silence must be maintained, a mutually agreement upon Recognizable Visual Signal can replace the standard RAT. In this case, a nod of the head while looking directly into the eyes of the other player is standard form.

2.2 A ‘return of the call” is then issued by the other player who thus acknowledges the “call for prime”, also in a RAT (or RVS).

2.3 Once the “return of the call” has been established, players are considered to be “at ready”.

2.3.1 Play may begin anytime after the players are established and recognized as being “at ready”.

2.4 Game is considered to be “in play” after any player “breaks ready” and thus “initiates the prime”

Priming
3.0 The vertical prime is performed by retracting the outstretched fist back towards the players’ shoulder (players must face each other and perform the prime with arms parallel).

3.0.1 The fist should be retracted towards the players’ own body rather than your opponent’s to avoid possible contact

3.1.0 As soon as one player has “broken ready” and initiated the first prime, it is the responsibility and obligation of the opponent to also begin priming and to “catch” or “synch” the prime with the first player so they can establish an approach and delivery in unison.

3.1.1 The player who has initiated the prime is under the strict obligation to maintain a constant priming speed so as to give his opponent every opportunity to “catch the prime”

3.2.0 The fist must remain in the closed position until the delivery of the final prime. The fist is the only acceptable hand position during the prime.

3.2.1 The fist must remain in full view of the opposing player and may not come in contact with any outside influences that inhibit the opponent’s view

3.3.0 Prior to the delivery of the final prime, the game may be called off for the following reasons only: rule clarification, decision clarification, or injury.

Approach
4.0 Once the fist has reached the highest point of the final throw of the last prime, the delivery of the throw is considered to be “in approach”. At any time during the approach of this final prime, the hand may be released in any of the following manners:

Rock: represented by a closed fist with the thumb resting at least at the same height as the topmost finger of the hand. The thumb must not be concealed by the fingers.Note: To accommodate different throwing styles, it is considered legal for the first knuckle of the thumb to point downward.

Scissors: Is delivered in the same manner as rock with the exception that the index and middle fingers are fully extended toward the opposing player. It is considered good form to angle the topmost finger upwards and the lower finger downwards in order to create a roughly 30-45 degree angle between the two digits and thus mimic a pair of scissors.

Paper: Is also delivered in the same manner as rock with the exception that all fingers including the thumb are fully extended and horizontal with the points of the fingers facing the opposing player. Use of the “vertical paper” (sometimes referred to as “the handshake”) is considered exceptionally bad form.

Throws must be delivered prior to the completion of the approach. The approach is considered finished when the forearm is at a 90-degree angle to the upper body. Any throw not delivered prior to the hand crossing the 90-degree mark shall be considered a throw of rock.

Delivery
5.0 Participants must exercise extreme dexterity, caution and care not initiate contact between the opposing fists during any point of the priming phase. The direct contact of the fists can cause scraping, chaffing, rapping of the knuckles. Make sure any onlookers are aware of the intentions of the players as the swinging of closed fists can be mistaken as a sign of a potentially combative situation.

5.0.1 Should direct contact occur players should stop play immediately and assess any personal injuries before restarting the prime.

5.1 After players have revealed their throws play must stop until an agreement can be reached as to a winner or if a stalemate situation has arisen.

Throws
6.0 Player has the full range of throws to play, as follows:

6.0.1 Rock: wins against scissors, loses to paper and stalemates against itself

6.0.2 Paper wins against Rock, loses to scissors and stalemates against itself

6.0.3 Scissors wins against paper, loses to rock and stalemates against itself

6.1 Players may use any combination of these throws at any time throughout the match. Any throws that are not comforming to the standard hand positions (outlined above) and thus deemed to be a rock (stone), paper, or scissors is considered to be an illegal throw and is thus forbidden. Should a player execute an illegal throw, the opposing player has the right (but not the obligation) to claim immediate victory over the round (not the match). Alternatively, the infringed upon player has the right but not the obligation to replay the current game if he/she so chooses.

6.2 The winner of the round is dictated by the player’s throw which beats that of the opponent. Under no circumstances can a losing throw ever beat a winning throw.

6.3 In the case of a stalemate, where players reveal the same throw the round must be replayed. There are no limits to the numbers of stalemates which may occour in any given match. Should players find themselves in a continuous stalemate situation, also known as “Mirror Play”, a good approach can be to take a short “timeout” to rethink your strategy.

Post Game Play
7.0 There is no limit to the number of games, rounds, or matches that can be played in RPS. The game may continue until any and all decisions are reached and is at the discretion of the players involved. Games for honour can be substituded at any point after the conclusion of a match as long as is agreed upon by all players involved before the beginning of the next match.

Note: At the conclusion of the match after the winner has been determined, some players will offer a vertical paper throw or “handshake”. While this gesture is seen in other circles as good manners to thank your opponent for the match, it is important to note that this action should not be expected or required in RPS, due to the fact that in general a “Handshake” is used as “deal sealer” between two parties. Since the results of an RPS match are considered to be binding, the “handshake” can be considered a redundancy since, in effect, the ” deal” has already been “sealed” with the outcome of the match.

These are the rules of the self-styled World RPS Society; when I were a lad we called this game Choo Chin Chou. Otherwise you can call it Roshambo and study it in amazing depth. There is a serious tactical/stratgic discussion here.


 
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