Stuff you haven’t realised about sex

Sunday, 18. November 2012

Stuff you haven’t realised about sex

No arena of human behaviour is as wilfully understood as the arena of “relationships”. In animals this is known as mating and all higher animals have two sexes that mate, some bonding for years and some barely knowing each other. That sorry excuse for all our mistakes and connivances, “love”, is a human invention of recent pedigree and the ideal of romantic love within one committed pair derives mainly from the era and influence of the Christian religion, which attempts at all turns to usurp the concept and make it sexless. Sex is the supposedly neutral word devised and cunningly employed by those seeking to escape such shackles, some of whom have relatively benign motives, some of whom are exploiters who have whipped up the physical passions of others in order to profit mightily.

There, you see: not one fixed or pristine item on the entire menu! There are excellent reasons for this, briefly:

1)     Mating is a biological urge that in species resembling humans in any way is inexorably linked to tribal living and hierarchical dominance within a finite group. The Alpha Male mates with the most desirable female who becomes the Alpha Female in her own right. Lesser males, in the case of ape species genetically closest to us, never give up jostling for power and the right of access to females perceived as desirable. Sex, therefore, is territorial and about ownership of rights over others, at least at the biological level.

2)     In an animal that can think, reason, dream and imagine the striving for dominance is bound to become something of an obsession. The lesser male members of the hierarchy are condemned to plan and fantasise about raising their standing and increasing their own rights, including the right to the more attractive females. The females are condemned to vie with each other for mating rights with the strongest and most desirable males.

3)     As such a creature evolves and develops language, vastly increasing its conceptual range, as leisure becomes more available because life ceases to be a brutal struggle for survival, then the power of storytelling, daydreaming, imagining and fantasising grows in a spectacular way, embracing also erotic desires and even twisted images of an erotic nature, driven by sexual status. Simple power for the wolf pack becomes in human hands domination and submission fantasies ranging from the relatively harmless to the hideously cruel.

4)     Human children have unbounded capacity for imaginative play. It is foolish to suppose that this is entirely lost as they “mature” and we only have to look at the sexual play of adults to see that it does not. Once more, this play may be benign, as in something like tantric sex, or may begin to cross borderlines into cruel power games of control and helplessness and, where the participants are not especially self-aware, it will be laden with primitive urges related to control, dominance and the freedom that comes from the basically female posture of complete submission to a greater, protective, power who is a someone in in the hierarchy.

Men and women alike do all of these things in a bewildering array of different “character arcs”, as do gay people. The variety of possible fetishes is as infinite as it is not significant because they all follow these simple rules, listed above. Generally speaking, since sex-specific hormones are also mind-altering drugs, male creatures are inclined to have a greater quantity of the drives created by the most brutal of these drivers, testosterone. Whether the feminists like it or not this is true and it means that there is no precise equality of desire or the style of driven-ness in imagination. Young men, those with most testosterone, are absolutely driven in an almost pure way at first. Women are not aware of the urgency that men feel in this regard, so tremendous that it will occur during sleep if not satisfied while awake. As men age, their physical “powers” wane and the fantasy element increases. Even young women come a long way behind young men in the urgency of their desires and it is a rare female that ever catches up with even older men. At a certain age most women pour their interest and affections into non-erotic relationships with their children or into proving that they compete with men in the world at large, or both, or the one that does not make them contented…

There is barely any pornography for female consumption, whereas pornography consumed by all men at all times ranges from hideous to harmless displays of young female beauty such as they have always longed to possess (have rights of access to) and rarely been so lucky. Viewing women while masturbating and dreaming about congress with them is about permission to know such women, nothing more. It does not mean a slippery slope to torture and murder. It can never be prevented. Those who advocate an end to prostitution and exploitative sex/pornography need to start by understanding this simple distinction, but they never do, alas.

There are two basic scenarios that cause real and absolutely tragedy over the long term. They both derive from being unconscious of the facts in this essay and in particular the way that primitive hierarchical urges can insinuate their way into our modern so-called relationships, the vile negotiations we endure in place of joy and mutual celebration, the disastrous personal narratives that scar our lives and those of our children and all of the betrayed…

The female version runs roughly thus: contrive to be completely unaware of the suffering of innocent young men who desperately need to learn about and touch you but instead fall helplessly in love with the leader of the pack, an exploitative bastard who barely cares for you and will humiliate you at every turn. Suck his cock frequently in the hope of landing a winner, even better if he is handsome, wealthy, powerful, charismatic or slightly wise. Trust and set up home with whichever desirable male pushes the right buttons at the right time, relying on your “love” to carry you through the rest of life.

As sexual allure fades and work and parenthood, perhaps poverty and disappointment, perhaps success and disillusionment, and pressures of time… as these things inevitably destroy the joyous, simple sex you could have had, then either you give up sex, become unwilling, resigned, exhausted, resentful and anorgasmic, or begin with the fluffy handcuffs and escalate through the book of domination-submission fantasies, move openly or covertly towards “open” relationships, affairs and stuff that destroys not just love, desire, trust and decency but is about to dreadfully impact the children and the partner who is abandoned. At this point one sanctimoniously talks about people needing to “first love themselves” and “take responsibility for their own lives”, meaning you wash your hands of them and all your former promises.

Often, usually, it is the middle-aged woman who now suffers the most, though sometimes she will be relieved to be rid of the tyrant who has been bullying her, patronising her, possibly terrifying her. Actually she married the wrong guy to begin with. And she ignored the good guy because he wasn’t glaringly attractive/socially desirable/wealthy enough.

The male tragedy runs like this: lose out completely in the teenage struggle for popularity, respect, power, sportiness, charisma, attractiveness and conquest of females. A vast number of pleasant men who would be so grateful for a relationship that they wouldn’t know how to stamp on the women’s feelings simply cannot succeed in achieving life’s most basic and primitive urge. Either they get the least attractive women, way down the hierarchy, or they settle for women who desire to dominate more than anything else (a surprisingly large group of verbal and emotional bullies), or they decide they are gay after all, or they end up mostly alone, masturbating. End of story, really. In middle age they may be lucky enough to get the cast- off beauties past their prime and look after another man’s children while having his dick in their face every time he comes to visit. In any case they will not know the incredible, passionate, primeval joy of being leader of the pack. Anything they achieve will be resentful and not really appreciated.

Such is life: no way out except with bitterness, unless… Unless you know all of these things, can find them in yourself, can live with those discoveries, can chose to hold at bay the most destructive urges and promote the greatest good, and then keep your fucking agreements…

The alternative,turning your sad life into psychodrama, is a huge mistake. The tragedy you have suffered is mostly there as a result of ignorance, which we all share. There is no blame and there is no “healing”. You didn’t do it to yourself and he didn’t do it to you. The personalities involved are a fiction.
If you could make your children aware of these greater truths you could save them buckets of heartbreak because as sure as eggs is eggs they will fall into the same egocentric errors that we all do, insisting that people have been bad to us and that our personalities were somehow damaged.
Actually, we were just ignorant, stupid, egotistical and incautious.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Website Knight