The way out of this mess is ….

Monday, 20. February 2012

We are all restlessly seeking change, evolution, healing of past sores and creativity in our lives. No matter how much we talk about the power of acceptance, we just do not live like that. We yearn.

Is there any way around this awful paradox? Well, yes, there might be, if we were evolved enough to hold more than one reality in our hearts at the same time, for example: to hate and yet to also forgive, both in relation to the same object, person, group, system, whatever.

You can’t change anything at all by using control, by planning, scheming, manipulation, NLP or any other bullshit visualisation or management technique. They don’t work, like diets don’;t work, except when they do, which is very rarely.

First step is to acknowledge our fury and when I saw hundreds of people at EST do this the next emotion underneath was generally fear, but very close behind that was profound loss, grief and sadness that was as big as an ocean.

That’s the place everyone needs to get to before they can even speak of maturity, before they can channel anything about themselves usefully. Anger is not to be manipulated intellectually. It’s actually the way that the powerful control the rest of us: by tapping their potentially explosive just-below-the surface threat of anger into our own fears.

We are so crushed by our fears that we start pretending. We deploy self-aggrandising strategies. We turn to smugness (if we feel like winners or want top project that impression). We turn to anger and the threat of anger, like our bosses, governments, parents, bullies – if we think we may lose the game and wish to intimidate opponents first. Just like animals, especially apes, especially our closest relative, the chimpanzee.

If that all fails we sulk, become helpless, force other people to waste their own lives in taking care of us.

Once you know about your fear and anger, which are two sides of the same coin, then and only then can you feel your way into the loss, shock and grief that lies below them. And only by reaching that, deep in your heart, your memories, your tissues, your thoughts, your over-compensating ideas and behaviours… only when you clearly know and feel all that can you access sublime joy, true creativity, real love.

But don’t expect them to last. This is an ongoing process, for ever, that nobody ever wins at. The best you can achieve is to be real and to feel real empathy with others.

That is the goal you were born for. Anything else is a betrayal of your gift of life. Anything glib that offers a solution is a lie. You need to live all this. No one is immune. No one has beaten it. No one will for centuries hence.

5 Responses to “The way out of this mess is ….”



  1. Vincent Says:

    This is very dark, Steve, that’s my first reaction. But profoundly felt, that’s my second.

    After that, I was stumped for anything to say. But then it came, that the only thing left is to pray: not to ask the question and try to provide one’s own answers from the darkness one is in. But pray and wait; making oneself ready for the answer. Not from memory of religion, not in that context; but from the spontaneity of the heart, that itself knows what to do, when to speak and when to be silent in expectation. A procedure that takes place in the depths of one’s soul. There is nothing to lose.



  2. RealSteveHolmes Says:

    Awe, Vincent. Is that the word we need?



  3. Vincent Says:

    Awe, yes, that is surely one of them. But zest is surely another.



  4. RealSteveHolmes Says:

    I have only just begun with this aspect of my life’s topic, Vincent. I have no idea where it is going, whereas many of my other revelations came to be decades ago. So this is the result of evolution.



  5. Vincent Says:

    The adventure continues!

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