Sunday, 28. June 2009

I recently had a eureka moment and I realised two things that seem true to me in most cases: the first is that aggression very often (very very often like maybe always) covers up anxiety, often something really trivial like a tidiness fetish or a desire to help you with something; often the aggressor is anxious that they don’t know how to be nice to you (and would like to). Aggression in this subtle sense is a mechanism for displacing disturbed identity/energy on the part of another person (and you just happen to be around to get the impact). Your world could be disturbed by another person who has no intention of any involvement with you simply feeling some performance anxiety of their own which may go back to their own family and ancestors and may even be locked in their tissue/DNA. Wow!

That explains why I try to avoid crowds and why the workplace can be such a torment for sensitive people: it’s a mass of competing energy systems radiating low level aggression, irritation, harsh words, indifference and competitiveness because THEY happen to feel a little bit bad in their own or their ancestors’ eyes.

Anyway, on to realisation two, which came from someone I spoke to, which is that underneath all aggression is something caught in the tissue and unresolved, a trauma, shock, whatever. And that people can’t feel relaxed enough to change their behavioural vibration until whatever it is (and leads to) unravels and resolves.

Which leaves me thinking that maybe I was right all along in always being attracted to gentle people. You can keep witticisms, charm, knowledge, business acumen, charisma, panache, liveliness, fascinating hobbies and travels, brilliant design sense and a lot of really useful ideas and contacts.

All I want in a friend is gentleness, some pleasant energy, a person to be with, an absolute freedom from (even good natured) aggression and absolutely no impatience, hurry, worry, anxiety, fear, lust to succeed or do better. You can keep all that edgy energy. I’d like to give up having to be on my guard in order to live with it. I want to be gentle.

I’m in virgin territory for me now because – though I get a thrill out of talking and sharing perceptions like this – my favourite activities all tend towards peacefulness.

Not everyone is like that, I have noticed. Some people are thrill seekers and If they can’t get it doing big things they will obsess with crosswords, write long and involved blogs, fill the  pages with meaningless chatter, get excited about sports and cars, insist on being positive about things all the time – great telesales results, boardroom coups, tough projects completed on time, opponents carved up, promotions won, power dressing and the hint of flirtation in the air and a hint of divorce at home – wow, it really is all too much… need some luxury and booze maybe, to come down to earth from the human jungle.

I am talking adrenalin economy here. Maybe we all have an adrenalin profile. Maybe sometimes a lethal one. Fight and flight with nowhere to go. Stress. Build up of chemicals in the tissues. Heart can’t take it. Bowels get irritable. Exhaustion sets in. Some become manic-depressive.

The alternative being…?

4 Responses to “Aggression”

  1. Abdo Says:

    Hi Steve,

    Totally agree that most of the time aggression is a result of outside pressure on the person, more than the situation that might be he/she is fighting about.

    I remember problems was happening when I come back home from outside, as I have a rapid, active and sometimes stressed nature from the vibrant atmosphere I’m coming from. While the family are very calm as they’re at home, reading a book or watching TV.

    Sometimes I don’t understand how I’ve said or done that , but found specifically that taking some rest before interacting with the family will get you to the same frequency and you’ll be most likely to mitigate potential problems and communicate better.

    - Abdo

  2. Vincent Says:

    I do recognize what you’re saying Abdo. But then if the family are at home reading a book or watching TV, I would hope that they would try to meet you half-way and match your frequency too—especially after you have taken the rest in order to calm the stresses which might make them want to keep their distance.

  3. Cora Says:

    Interesting thoughts about sources of aggression …
    sometimes it happens that you’re aggressive yourself and that you don’t know where it comes from…

    For instance, it happens that you can feel irritated, even exhausted, because you’ve been infected by the energy of others. Which can be pleasant when everybody is happy around you and you pick up something of this euphoria, it may be less welcome when the room is loaded with subtle aggressiveness…

    Or – you can feel exhausted because other are nibbling your energy – while they have a hidden agenda, they ask and ask and you don’t know what’s behind all this asking.

    In both cases you should protect yourself, trying to stay in your own mood, energy, whatever.

  4. Steven Holmes Says:

    If you can protect yourself, Cora, if you can. Usually it’s only the vampires who have that ability and the rest of us just feed them.

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