Networking fever

Sunday, 28. June 2009

Ecademy posts from recent months:

“Networking fever” is now considered the number one form of emotional disease in the world, some Australian scientists have claimed. All over the planet people have started “networking” and withdrawn from real life, seeing their virtual addiction as a source of imaginary friends and even as a way to earn a living. Some truly pitiful souls show a religious zeal, even consider it a “healing” experience for their afflictions, both physical and emotional. But ahead of them lies the tragedy of “blogger burnout”, the downside of the fever, a tragic state in which the victim finally realises that no one is really connecting with them and no money has come from all the effort they put in.

The solution? Just say NO. Ration yourself. Life is still life, just like it used to be. Go out and meet some real people and do some real work. The world will still be much the same tomorrow. Twitter does not give you back your life.

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Anyone else got nothing really to say? I rang my friend Enthusiasm but she was Skyping with someone else and I couldn’t face ringing my friend Depression because she never stops talking. Then I figured that they probably had nothing new to say either, so I came on here for some entrepreneurial advice and what did I find…

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Just thought you’d like to see a video of some well-known networkers on their hols. Skip the tedious intro so you get to the tedious meat.

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Inspired as I have been by the increasing number of networking energineers (or should that be enterpernoirs? Ed.) who build their brand online with witty “jokes” and stories, I thought I’d have a crack at humour myself. Only trouble is, I’ve thought of the questions but but not the punchlines… Maybe those with a great deal of amusement wealth in their portfolio of expert skills and visions could help me just this once?

Q: Why did the butterfly flutter by?
A:

Q: Why did the global economy collapse?
A: ?????

Q: Why is “blogging” such a desperate activity that makes one cringe?
A: ?????

Q: Why is there just no point in anything anymore?
A: ?????

Have a go; you could win a token prize of a bouncing cheque signed by me personally.

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The sun was shining this morning so I thought I’d better diffuse some cheerful light to my fellow back-bedroom entrepreneurs. Questions will be taken at the end of the session.

I was filled with passion and the vision thing as a wave of emotional wealth swept over me just now and so I felt I just had to share the top tips we were given on my excellent 15 minute Master of Cheerfulness Marketing programme. So, top tips for not being happy, then; here goes:

1) discover your inner core in the next five minutes, spend a few weeks planning a new online strategy with yourself posing as an expert, fail to seduce any customers, blow a fortune on SEO and Adsense, go back to the day job in defeat

2) wind yourself up in an orgy of expert bombast where you live in a bubble from which you smile all the time and constantly output unwanted advice in a phony voice that drives people away

3) slowly build a huge network reputation for making trivial contacts and plagiarising already plagiarised articles which you post as your own and nobody reads in any case

4) devote all your days and evenings to twittering while you scratch your arms with shards of broken glass (do not try this at home)

5) find some lame jokes to tell so that you will be an embarrassing failure at popularity building

6) post slice of life “blogs” about your daily mishaps in a never-ending storm of exhibitionist self-promotion (men should think before trying this because their lives are not interesting)

7) go to the USA and expose yourself to any medium whatsoever for long enough that you become frantic, passionate, overbearing, mendacious, patronising, glib, ignorant and totally inappropriate; with this achieved return to sanity and distinguish yourself by writing thinly disguised (and of course patronising) blogvertorial about the latest MLM, affiliate marketing and cure for cancer scams

Have a lovely day and for goodness sakes BE HAPPY.

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Some popular networking personas:

Why are people moaning about the online conduct of other people when we all know it’s just a set of barely convincing and largely excruciating facades that give hardly any clue as to the real nature of the people you happen to think you don’t like very much. This is utterly silly if you stop to think but there are many people who seem to get some kind of charge out of condemning people they know nothing about. But then, as eny fule kno, self-righteousness is a delicious emotion.

My second category would be the mindless optimists who walk into this like online pub thingy every ten minutes and scream something very enthusiastic about being positive and making great connections. These people sometimes turn nasty the moment anyone demurs, however, revealing that their fluffy bunny persona is not quite so entrenched and enlightened as they might like you to believe. No, I do not want to join your “network”, thank you. It is merely an imaginary electronic list.

Category three, for me, would be those who cannot help but post every day about some new cure for cancer that happens to be available at some website they happen to be an affiliate of or which they can provide because they are distributors. I think that if you haven’t actually had cancer or lost a loved one to cancer it should be illegal for you to express an opinion about it, let alone think you understand it, let alone offer false hope for money, let alone add to the cruel lies that healthy people tell about sick people causing their own illness. It can and it may, so help you God, happen to you.

I’m sure there are many other useless categories available online and that you may be able to assist me in compiling a complete list. Thank you. I hope you found that polite enough. BRUTAL “blogs” will come at regular intervals from now so keep your eyes open for what to ignore if you are a really really nice fluffy person. I have as much right to my opinions and behaviours as you to yours and nothing has deterred me in the last six years online or the last 40 years off line.

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(You can see what moods I used to get in to when confronted with mindless “business networking” all day…)
Hi there, Networking Experts! I need your advice, and pronto….

Would it be good for developing my “personal brand” if I posted a few harmless little “blogs” asking people to get involved and answer questions. I mean: does that work?

I was thinking of asking something tame to begin with like: “Why do fools fall in love?” justified with a short splurge about obscure medical research in Australia connecting pheromones, obesity, Haikus and maybe astrology with something on YouTube thrown in….

Q1: What do YOU “think”?

Q2: what are your top ten tips for “networking”?

Q3: is it more effective in good English or should I self-righteously pretend to be slightly dyslexic to show that I’m a man of the people?

Thank you. Have a nice day.

3 Responses to “Networking fever”



  1. Steven Holmes Says:

    There are more of these, folks, many more. Ignore them if you hate them. They used to be widely read on Stepcademy.



  2. sally Says:

    Well, here I am at last, sorry for taking so long to pop along but work has been frantically consuming for the last 6 months so am now just stumbling around here finding my way around and hopefully some good conversation.

    What you describe above, Steve, is exactly why I got so frustrated and fed up with both Ecademy and Friendfeed. If it isn’t the platitudes it’s the mob rule thing spoiling things. You see the same on Digg and YouTube every day if one checks out the comments and threads.

    I’m fervently hoping this might well be a nice place to hang out and shoot breeze with like minded people who can have a sensible debate while not agreeing on everything. That would be plain boring, after all.



  3. Steven Holmes Says:

    This will be that place, Sal.

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